Captain Crabass Takes Minneapolis

Wayne is usually quiet and calm. Nothing really rattles him or gets him excited.

However, he has no patience when it comes to traffic and lines. This is when my usually laid-back husband turns into Captain Crabass quicker than Clark Kent turns into Super Man.


We've gone to NASCAR races before where 100,000 people cram into a town of 20,000 and when we get in the car and try to leave the track he gets so mad and whines and moans the entire time. And the entire time I'm all did you really think 100,000 people were just going to vanish into thin air.


We went to Minneapolis last weekend to see the playoff game between The Cowboys and the Vikings. It was dark Saturday night when we got into town and he used that and the traffice in Minneapolis as his excuse for being cranky. Being the party animals that we are, we went to the hotel restaurant and were asleep by 9:30. Yep, I know you're jealous.


We left the hotel early Sunday morning and were one of the first people in the stadium when it opened. We got some drinks and headed to our seats without trouble. Phew.


Early in the 4th quarter the Cowboys were losing (BIG) so we decided to leave early. We got out of the stadium and made our way back to the hotel in no time.


The plan was that I would run inside to get some snacks and he would retrieve the car, get the GPS out of the suitcase and figure out how to get home. I had been gone for 2 minutes and was on my way to the door when I got this text "where r u".


I walk out the door and he's standing at the trunk about 20 feet away and screams "I can't find it, where is it?". I walked over there, put my underwear back in the suitcase(that he apparently threw out in his frenzied search), reached in and found the GPS in about 20 seconds. He snatched it out of my hands, plugged it into the car and started yelling that we had to go right. now. or. we. will. die.


It really was like a scene straight out of a comic book. We were in an alley in downtown Minneapolis in the middle of a bunch of large buildings, when I suddenly look up and Captain Crabass swooped down and took Wayne's spot behind the wheel.


I usually print the mapquest directions out as well because I'm just that anal.  But he told me we have the GPS and don't need it. Well, the GPS couldn't get a signal. He was yelling at me because we were in the way and had to get moving but we didn't know how to get on the interstate. I don't know what he thought I could do about it, but he kept yelling anyway. He kept inching toward the road without actually pulling onto the road.


We finally decided that we just needed to get out onto the road and figure it out. Actually I told him we just need to get out of this alley and because he didn't have a better idea, he agreed.
When we finally got a signal, it told us to turn right...NOW...Apparently I think that Captain Crabass is deaf because I repeated everything the GPS (we call her Denise) said so it goes something like this...


Denise-turn right...turn right
Me- (as we're passing the turn) Oh, you should have turned back there
Wayne-Well, I'll turn here then
Denise-perform a U-turn...perform a U-turn
Me-You have to turn around Wayne. It's a one way...you can't turn right here. Maybe you should pull over so it will recalculate the route and get us back on track.


At this point Denise is flipping out. It starts to recalculates, gets halfway there then recalculates again. I expected smoke to start billowing out of Denise.


Me-OK, you have to pull over and let it catch up.
Wayne-Where do you want me to pull over Melissa, we have to get out of here.
Me-Well this isn't getting us anywhere.
Denise-Turn right and enter the freeway.

Yes, the entrance to the interstate was about 4 blocks from the hotel. About 10 miles down the road Captain Crabass left and Wayne returned.