Things I Learned About Myself

We are in the process of de-cluttering and preparing for a yard sale. I've spent most of the week going through boxes, boxes and more boxes deciding what I want to keep, sell or throw away. Along the way, I've learned a few things about myself.

1. I will buy anything.

2. I hang onto things for waaaaaaaaay too long. I have things I bought 10 years ago, that I've never used!!

3. If I like something I will buy at least 4. How many 12" Christmas trees does a person really need? Probably not 6.

4. I will buy absolutely anything!

5. I own at least a dozen tablecloths.

6. I don't use tablecloths!

7. I can get by with waaaaaaay less than I have.

8. I don't need 5 Christmas tree skirts.

9. I do however need several boxes of Christmas ornaments.

10. a "2 by 4" is actually 1 1/2" by 3 1/2". What a crock!! I feel completely cheated by this. Why do they call it a "2 by 4" if it's not actually 2 by 4?! Does this mean that a gallon of milk could only by 3/4 of a gallon?! This has nothing to do with the yard sale, but it is something I learned this weekend.

11. No really, I will buy ANYTHING!!

12. I don't burn candles a lot, yet I have no less than 100. Most of those are brand new, still in the box!

13. As soon as I buy something I should remove the tags. It's really quite embarrassing to have so much stuff with tags on it. It's even more embarrassing when the date is on the tag. I'm not going to lie, there were a few things that I bought in '97, '98 and '99.

14. It doesn't matter if it's only .25 cents, if I don't have a use for it right now I should not buy it(especially 10 of them).

15. I've always said that losing my job almost 3 yrs ago was the best thing that's happened to me. I know now that is absolutely true. Not having that extra income has forced us to be more accountable with a budget, therefore eliminating at least 5 boxes to sort through.

16. When you buy a gift for someone, it is a good idea to keep it where you'll remember where it is. Or you'll end up finding a baby outfit for a "baby" who is now 5 years old. I wish I were kidding!

17. I am not Martha Stewart. I probably don't need 10 Christmas wreaths.

18. We're out of paper towels. Again, it has nothing to do with the yard sale but I keep forgetting to pick them up when I'm at the store. I'm hoping by writing it down I'll remember.

19. Cheap duct tape is cheap for a reason......it sucks.

20. I cannot continue to keep things that I'm not using just because someone gave it to me. If you gave me something that ends up in the yard sale, I'm very sorry and truly appreciative that you thought enough about me to give me the gift, but it's time to pass it on to someone who will get more use out of it. Please do not be upset or hurt, I will not be upset if I see the things I bought you in your yard sale. I understand that tastes and habits change.

To say the least it has been a productive and enlightening week. We are not done yet, so I'm sure there's more to come.

To Google Or Not To Google

That is the question. Don't get me wrong, the internet is a great thing. I mean where else can you buy a copy of the August 1974 National Geographic, get the latest celebrity gossip and watch a video of a cat playing the piano.....all while sitting on the sofa in your pajamas researching the weird rash you have on your backside. Truth be told I'm a fan of anything I can do while sitting on the sofa in my pajamas. Sometimes having the world at your fingertips can be a bad thing. Like when it fuels your (ok my) hypochondriac tendencies.

Right after the 4th of July last year I developed a rash on my leg. A couple days later I got a terrible migraine. I get migraines often but this one was on a different side and it concerned me. About 1:30a when I couldn't sleep because of my throbbing headache, nausea and trying to scratch my skin off, I did what any rational person would do. I googled "rash headache". In approximately 2.2 seconds (that's how long Google said it took to get 5,423 responses) I was convinced that I had West Nile Virus. I promptly called Wayne to tell him of my diagnosis. I also told him to tell my parents that I love them and to give all my stamps to our landlord Betty if I happen to die from the worse case of self-diagnosed West Nile Virus EVER. He has learned to not say anything and wait for me come to the conclusion on my own that I'm nuts.

As you can probably guess, it turned out that I did not have West Nile. Apparently I coincidentally got a migraine days after I left 4 batteries in my pocket all day therefore causing a rash from the nickel in the batteries. It sounds stupid but people have actually gotten 2nd and 3rd degree burns from batteries. I'll tell you one thing, I won't do it again.

There have been many times after watching Dateline or 20/20 that Wayne has to convince me that he's pretty sure I don't have SARS or Testicular Cancer. A few years ago Dateline did a special on avian flu. They used the town that I worked at the time in their dramatized version of events demonstrating how quickly it can spread. From that moment on I was convinced that there were confirmed cases of it in Davenport and every time I felt the slightest bit sick I knew I had bird flu. Again, no Bird Flu.

Recently when Wayne was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer (by a real MD, not Web MD), I of course went right home and googled Kidney Cancer. I soon had more information than I ever wanted and I decided to stop googling kidney cancer. Then I started again, then decided not to. This has continued for 5 months now. It really helped to know what questions to ask, but there are some really sad stories out there that we just don't need to read right now. We are back to not googling kidney cancer unless we have specific questions.

You also have to be very specific when googling and be ready for what you find. At work one day, a co-worker and I were searching for the website of a local AAA baseball team, The Quad City Swing. All I'm going to say is do not google " the swing", especially at work!! I'll stop now because I'm pretty sure curiousity has gotten the best of some of you and you are now seeing for yourself what searches "the swing" will yield.

It Ain't Easy Being Green

I don't claim to be the most eco-friendly person in the world. I try. We use reusable grocery bags, we recycle.....most of the time, I use natural cleaners and we've given up buying bottled water and use stainless steel bottles instead. Some of these things have been done in an effort to save money also.

There are some things however I'm not willing to give up. Wayne had to go buy toilet paper on his own for the first time in a few years. Let's all feel sorry for him....ok now that that's over with.... A few days later when we had already gone through two rolls of toilet paper he decided we needed to start rationing toilet paper. He cheerfully said "We'll save the planet and save money at the same time!" What I heard was "RATIONING. TOILET. PAPER." Those are three words you never want to hear in the same sentence.

My first thought was Hallelujah! That means he has changed two rolls of toilet paper.......in a row!! Then I ducked in order to avoid the flying pigs. My second thought was just to laugh it off. Then he followed that up with quite possibly the most feared words in the English dictionary "two squares of toilet paper". I'm not going to get too graphic here, but there's not enough anti-bacterial soap in the world. Now I've cut a lot of frivolous spending out of the budget, this is something I don't think we should cut.

The very next day we were watching Wife Swap (I know it's stupid, but it's soooo stupid that I can't stop watching). One of the families was very eco-conscious. So much so that they ride their bikes to the dumpsters behind the grocery store to get their groceries in an effort to not create any more waste. I'm not kidding. Then they get to the part where they have not bought toilet paper in years. Just in case you didn't catch that.....they have not bought toilet paper In. Years. They've installed a bidet and essentially "air-dry".

Wayne happened to be watching this episode with me and after some discussion we decided..........um.......no.... We'll continue to be "conveniently green", thank you very much.

So thank you crazy family for helping me to win my argument!

I Thought You Were Color Blind

My Dad went along with us to look at a few houses yesterday. We had some interesting/funny conversations.

Dad and Wayne were in the basement of the house we're going to put an offer on when this conversation happened:

Me: (walking down the stairs) So, what do you think?
Dad: (to Wayne) Should you tell her or should I?
Wayne: I told your Dad there's plenty of room down here for him and your Mom to move into the basement.
Me I turn around and walk back upstairs. OK we're done here, next house please.

As we were standing outside of that house he noticed something and this conversation followed:

Dad: It looks like there's purple in your hair.
Me: I just smile like I'm 15 again and he caught me with purple streaks in my hair.
Dad: No really, it looks like there's purple in your hair.
Me: I laugh, still not saying anything.
Dad: Is that purple in your hair?
Me: Yes Dad, that's purple in my hair.......just a little bit.
Dad: It's PURPLE!
Me: Yes Dad, it's purple.
At this point, we caught the attention of our realtor and she had to get a look.....
Dad: hmmm......purple
Me: It's fun, I like it. Wayne HATES it. I had pink first, which at the time he said it sucked and he hated it. But then I got blue and now purple and he prefers the pink!!
Dad: Hair should be one color.....white.
Me: You don't even have much of that Dad.

I started getting the streaks in my hair last November. Since then I've had green, red, pink, blue and now purple and this is the first time my Dad has noticed. He is color blind so I didn't think I'd have to deal with him berating me about it but oh well....

What About Bob?

We have two cats.

Lucky is the black one, he is very curious, has to be in the way and will force you to pet him. Lucky is the one that will stand up to the dogs and end up chasing them around the house. Lucky is a very particular cat, he doesn't like to be dirty. However one day I came home and found stuff all over the kitchen floor. He had gotten into the cabinet, found the catnip and was rolling around in it......higher than a kite!!! Lucky has a little green bear that when thrown he will actually fetch it. It's really quite funny. I call him Captain Nosy Butt because he has to know what's going on, sniffing and climbing into every box or bag we bring home. When we have company over he sits on the bathroom counter just so he can keep an eye on everything.

Bob is generally more mellow and just a really sweet kitty. It used to be that we would only see Bob when it was time for bed when he would lay down on my left side and stay there all night. He is usually very skittish and will hide under the bed the entire time we have company over. He is Lucky's sidekick (Lieutenent Nosy Butt) he would follow Lucky into the boxes, but he never initiated it. He did his best to stay away from the dogs at all costs.

Lately, Bob is acting really strange. He's been jumping on our laps demanding attention, even when the dogs are there. As I type this he is crawling all over the laptop trying to get me to pet him. He has now taken over Lucky's usual sleeping position on my pillow above my head. He has even started to walk around on the counter (which I can't stand!!).

I know that doesn't sound too crazy but it's very out of character for Bob. I've come up with three possible scenarios for his unusual behavior.

One is that maybe we should take him to the vet. There's another post coming about my possible hypochondriac tendencies later. Wayne of course tells me that I'm crazy(a common occurrence in our house) and that he has finally just had enough of playing second fiddle to Lucky and the dogs and is standing up for himself.

Second is that maybe he and Lucky had one of those Freaky Friday moments and switched bodies. Bob could be walking around wondering what the heck he's doing also, thinking "This is a blast! Why didn't I start tormenting people sooner?". Lucky could be all "why am I suddenly so nice? Why am I not chasing the dog? This sucks, this isn't any fun at all".

The last thought is that maybe it isn't Bob at all. Maybe when we were at the hospital for Wayne's surgery someone came in and took our sweet Kitty Bob and replaced him with a clone that is a spy for the Government. Maybe his right eyeball is actually a video camera recording our every move. Maybe his left ear is a microphone recording our every conversation.

Boy, do I feel sorry for the person that has to watch and listen to all of that boring footage.

I'm aware that this is fairly unlikely but just in case, we've been telling "Bob" that we pay too much taxes and that the inequalities in the health care system are unacceptable.

Now I Understand

I don't go to the actual Post Office a whole lot. But when I do I find it a colossal inconvenience that they're not open when I feel they should be. There was the time a few years ago when I needed to mail something before work and I found out that the Post Office in our town doesn't open until 8:30a. Then there was the Saturday that I hurried and got everything together and got to the Post Office at 11:35a just to find out that they close at 11a on Saturday. Just a couple weeks ago I got to the Post Office at 4:25p, the sign on the door informed me that they closed at 4:15p. Seriously!?!? Would it be too much to ask to work 8a-5p Mon-Fri and 8a-noon on Saturday?

I fully expected the USPS to be closed on July 4th. In fact, I saw the sign on the door earlier this week saying so. However I did not expect them to close at noon on Friday July 3rd. Really!?!? So because they're only scheduled to work a few hours on the holiday, they get an extra half day off. And they make it a surprise. They get the day before July 4th off but they have to work on Christmas Eve! What sense does that make?

Now I understand where the phrase "going postal" comes from.......They have to work a back-breaking schedule of 8:30a-4:15p Monday through Friday and 8:30a-11a on Saturday. They get every single, silly holiday off. Or possibly the day before or after. I can see how maddening that would be......It all makes sense now......

Missing Something?

Maybe it's at our house.

Things have a way of finding us......

A couple weeks ago we found a dog right in front of our house. Since we've lost a dog on that highway before, we brought her in the house to keep her safe and feed and water her. After calling the neighbors and having no luck finding her owners, we kept her inside overnight and called the local Vet's office the next morning. Later that morning her very relieved owner showed up to claim her. We were relieved also, we sure don't need a 3rd dog!!!

Tuesday night we were taking a walk when Wayne suddenly stopped and started walking away from me. (What the heck is he doing now!?!) He saw a wallet fall off the roof of the car that just drove by. He tried to wave down the driver but couldn't get her attention. We called directory assistance and found a listing of the same name but with a different address so we left a message for her and about an hour later she called. She was very excited that we found it and even more excited when I returned it to her today and found that all the cash was still there.

So the moral of this story? Put tags on your dog (mine still don't have them), and always put a phone number in your wallet....just in case.

Why is it that we can find other people's things but still haven't found the mates to the 42 miscellaneous socks that seem to have vanished into thin air? or that black shirt I've been looking for since last winter? or the 16 debit cards I've lost over the years?